


A Very Terrible FE3H Fic

by RickenPizza



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, Female My Unit | Byleth, Gen, Rap Battles, Tea, very bad ones but it still counts!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:35:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28726710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RickenPizza/pseuds/RickenPizza
Summary: This is entirely crack. None of this is serious.but basically Byleth teaches all of the houses, the house leaders are all crushing on her, everyone is oversimplified for laughs. Shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Dorothea Arnault/Petra Macneary
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a reminder this is entirely un-serious, and enjoy!

The sun rose over Garreg Mach Monastery and all the students had to go to their classes. Byleth was such a popular teacher that SHE was teaching all of the houses, AT THE SAME TIME! (Well not the SAME time, but like all of the houses.) Byleth was the most popular teacher so they decided that it would be unfair if one house got her ALL the time.

ANYWAY

Edelgard walked into the classroom with her loyal and creepy retainer, Hubert, trailing behind her. She spotted Dorothea sitting on Petra’s lap, the two of them were girlfriends.

"Hello, Dorothea. You seem… comfy.”

Dorothea giggled and replied, “Good morning, Edie! And you too Hubie.”

Ferdinand walked into the classroom just as she was saying hello to Edelgard and Hubert.

“I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIER! Are you going to say good morning to me too, Dorothea?”

Dorothea turned away from him with a look of mild disgust. Ferdinand wasn’t a bad person but he was a noble. And not just any noble, a noble noble!

“I will be saying good morning to you, Ferdinand.” Said Petra.

“Ah, thank you Petra.” He replied but he still looked deflated.

Edelgard chuckled a little watching the spectacle. She was “a little” fond of her classmates.

“Are any other Black Eagles here?” She asked.

“Oh, Bern is under that table.” Dorothea pointed to one of the tables near her and Petra. “Linhardt is asleep back there and Caspar isn’t here yet.”

“I see,” Edelgard responded, “Where could he possibly-”

“HEY GUYS!!! I JUST STOPPED BY THE TRAINING GROUNDS BEFORE COMING HERE! I GUESS EVERYONE GOT HERE BEFORE ME.”

“Inside voice, remember?” Hubert menacingly reminded Caspar who had just arrived.

“Oh, yeah!” Caspar said much more quietly.

Everyone silently thanked Hubert. Bernie cowered from underneath the table and Linhardt yawned.

“Caspar, I would appreciate if you tried NOT to interrupt my nap.” Linhardt said sleepily from the back of the classroom.

Just then, Byleth entered the classroom and the air completely changed (in a good way).

“My teacher! I’m so glad that you’re here!” Edelgard said excitedly.

Hubert laughed sinisterly “You were late, professor…”

“Why do you always act so IGNOBLE, Hubert!” Ferdinand demanded.

“Why is everything about nobles with you, Ferdie!” Dorothea questioned angrily.

Byleth ignored them all and stood at the teacher’s desk(?) thingy. She opened up a textbook and then stared at all of them. Once everyone noticed, they quieted down and started sitting down at their desks.

Dorothea pouted a bit as she pulled herself off of her girlfriend’s lap and snuggled up next to her while Ferdinand took a seat at an empty desk. Bernadetta rose from underneath the desk she had previously been crouched under and Linhardt dozily joined her at that table. Caspar sat next to Ferdinand and Hubert sat down saving a spot for Edelgard.

“I apologize for our behaviour, professor.” Edelgard said as she took her seat next to her retainer.

Byleth shook her head as if to say that everything was all right which comforted Edelgard a lot. Edelgard smiled.

(I mean. Lets just admit that Edelgard is like REALLY GAY for Byleth. As I was saying…)

Dorothea gave a knowing look to her girlfriend and mouthed the words: SUPER GAY. Petra nodded in response and gave a small smile before looking back at Byleth.

AT THE SAME TIME IN THE BLUE LIONS HOUSE

Dimitri sighed in longing as he barely listened to the lecture that professor Hanneman was doing? (Do you do a lecture? Lecture a lecture? What is the verb. help.)

Dimitri was sad because his favourite teacher, Byleth (of course), was teaching the Black Eagles right now. He could say a lot of things about how sad he was but he would never say them aloud because he was too polite. What if the Black Eagles and Golden Deer took offence to the fact that he wished that Byleth taught only the Blue Lions.

Dimitri concentrated on the piece of paper he was /attempting/ to take notes on. No, he would not let anyone else see his unhappiness if it killed him because he was a sinnamon roll.

(oops I meant: CINNAMON roll. Nothing to see here folks. *nervous slaughter* I mean “laughter”.)

Dimitri clutched his pen so tightly that it accidentally activated his crest and the pen broke, spilling ink everywhere.

Hanneman who had been previously engrossed in his lecturing looked up to see Dimitri covered in ink and the rest of the Blue Lions students trying not to stare.

“I… need a new pen.” Dimitri said awkwardly.

Hanneman sighed.

(They use pens in this cuz I feel like it, ok. *shrugs*)

IN THE GOLDEN DEER CLASSROOM AT THE SAME TIME AS THE ONE IN THE BLUE LIONS CLASSROOM AND TO AVOID CONFUSION, THE BLUE LIONS ONE STARTED AT THE SAME TIME AS THE END OF THE BLACK EAGLES ONE.

Claude smirked as he threw the third ball of paper at the back of Lorenz’s head. Lorenz quickly swivelled around to glare at the man but Claude simply whistled nonchalantly. If their teacher had been Hanneman or maybe even Byleth (she had a weird sense of humour, you could never tell what she would find funny or what she would tolerate.) Lorenz would have gotten Claude in trouble, but their current teacher was professor Manuela.

Lorenz whipped his head forward again and Claude began to ready another projectile. Hilda leaned over to Claude from her spot beside him as whispered to him.

“Is there anything more fun than annoying Lorenz?” She asked.

Claude hummed in thought for a moment and then replied.

“Yes, but it’s pretty high up on the list. We have to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, Hilda.”

Claude yeeted the piece of paper at the purple haired boy and heard him huff in annoyance.

What WAS better than annoying Lorenz? Well… the professor’s classes? Definitely. Teatime with the professor. Of course! The professor in general? Oh no, he was starting to sound like Edelgard who was hopelessly in love with Byleth that it was (sometimes) painful to watch.

Claude doubted that the professor knew just how popular she was. Claude appreciated that Manuela wasn’t strict but she overshared so much that he basically knew everything about her and he didn’t even have to ask.

Byleth was a mystery. She wouldn’t tell Claude anything about herself and he was unsure if she even KNEW anything about herself. Claude liked that about her. But not like, like-liked it. Or her. He let out a shallow sigh as he plastered a small smile on his face. He just had to get through this class then he could talk to Byleth again. They could maybe even have tea and chat.

He readied another crumpled piece of paper and began to aim it. Might as well enjoy himself while he waits for class to be over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna try to keep this pretty spoiler free for a while I think. We get some VERY bad rapping in this chapter that I hope you enjoy.

The bell finally rung and class was over. Everyone who wasn’t a total nerd very quickly left their classroom. (So everyone except Annette, Lysithea, Linhardt ((cuz he’s sleepy)), uhh Ignatz? anyway just most people. It’s not too literal.)

Oh also Flayn is probably in whatever class Byleth is teaching right then because Byleth is teaching all the houses. Everyone is high-key jealous that they don’t get to be in the professor’s class ALL the time.

So everybody left the classroom and then it was time… for a BATTLE. (a rap battle to be specific!)

“Claude and Dimitri, I hope your prepared to lose to my rapping prowess.” Edelgard threatened.

“Me? Lose? Not on your life” Claude smirked back.

“Uh…” Mumbled Dimitri, still covered in ink, “I think we should just try to get along.”

BUT THE RAP MUSIC HAD ALREADY STARTED!!!

“I’ll go first.” Said Edelgard as she picked up a conveniently placed microphone.

“Dimitri, you go second and then Claude can go last.”

“Ah, saving best for last. If I go last that will just make my victory all the sweeter!”

“Perhaps we could-“

Claude and Edelgard gave Dimitri a look. Dimitri shut up. Hubert cackled manically because even though the author forgot that there were other characters here that doesn’t mean that the other characters WEREN’T here.

Cheers filled the courtyard as the students started to cheer for their house leaders.

“Claude! Claude!” (In the way that Hilda cheers for herself)

“Show them what you’re made of, Edie!”

“Uh… Whoo! Dimitri!”

Felix then said, “This is stupid, I’m leaving.” But Ingrid grabbed him and made him stay because she thought that all the Blue Lions should stay and give their support to Dimitri, he would need it. Bernadetta had already disappeared but she was secretly watching from a bush. Lorenz only stayed because he hoped that Edelgard would roast Claude.

AND THE RAP BATTLE STARTS………… NOW!!!

(Warning: This will be terrible. This fic WILL live up to its name.)

“I’m Edegard von Hresvelg, the Black Eagles leader

And I’ll win fair and square, ‘cause I’m not a cheater.

I’m a pretty flower just like a carnation

You’ll see another side of me once I’m running my nation.”

Applause filled the courtyard as the Black Eagles students cheered for their house leader. Edelgard genuinely smiled. Dimitri came up to Edelgard and asked for the microphone.

“Can I have the microphone?”

“Sure, let’s see what you can do.” Edelgard shot back.

Dimitri took the microphone and started to awkwardly bop along to the beat.

“I’m Dimitri and one of my friends thinks I’m a boar”

He paused.

“But I will prove that I am so much more

All I want is for everyone to get along

And I am very confused about this song.”

The crowd nodded appreciatively. Everyone was unsure how to react.

“Step aside, your princeliness. It’s my turn.”

Dimitri handed Claude the microphone.

“Alright.” Said Claude. “Dimitri and Edelgard, prepare to be blown away!”

Before Claude could get another word out, somebody crashed the party.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS” Seteth said angrily.

“Uhhhh…” The three house leaders looked at each other.

“We were having a rap battle?” Said Claude.

“I was winning.” Said Edelgard.

“I’m not really sure.” Said Dimitri.

Seteth sighed.

“Dimitri, why are you covered in ink?” He said after a long pause.

Dimitri looked down at his clothes.

“My pen exploded.”

Claude laughed.

“I was meaning to ask about that.”

Seteth muttered something about how unreliable technology was.

“I will not allow you to be bad influences on Flayn like this. I do not want her to try to emulate your behaviour.”

“Brother! I do not need you interfering.”

Flayn came forward from the crowd and then continued.

“We were just having some fun! Can’t you at least let Claude finish his turn?”

“Or even start it.” Claude muttered sulkily.

“I am sorry Flayn but these students are disturbing the monastery and I cannot let them continue.”

“But brother!” Flayn whined.

The “brother and sister” continued arguing. Byleth walked over to the house leaders from the secluded spot they had been standing in to watch the spectacle. All three of the house leaders greeted HER.

"Oh, professor!” Said Dimitri who was STILL covered in ink. (Yes I will not stop until he officially changes clothes)

“My teacher!” Said Edelgard happily.

“Heya, teach.” Claude said with a wink.

Byleth did that weird hand wavy thing and all of the house leaders smiled.

“We would be honoured to have tea with you, professor.” Dimitri politely responded.

“All of us at once? How will that even work?” Edelgard questioned.

“Oh, hush. It will work fine.” Claude confidently replied.

\------

The three house leaders sat crammed into one table with the professor, drinking a mix of their favourite teas. Byleth had put all of their favourite teas in one pot and the combination of Almyran Pine Needles, Chamomile, and Bergamot was disgusting, but it was worth it to spend time with Byleth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know why I made it F!Byleth when I personally prefer non-binary Byleth but oh well... Also we might get to see Claude's rap someday, but for now... idk


End file.
